Fallout 4 - The Wasteland Wacko Episode One

"Because being put on ice for 200 years and seeing some bald b@£$%*d kill your wife is enough to drive anyone a little crazy" - The Wasteland Wacko

It was a Tuesday, or maybe a Saturday, it was a day. I'm pretty sure it was like every other day but things get a little hazy after some time in the freezer. Why am I telling you this? Why are you listening? Maybe you offered me a pint anyway I'm getting sidetracked.

Look it's me! And my wife. I didn't look like that back then, the scars came later, that's another story, maybe one day I'll tell you.

Everything was pretty normal and then there was a knock at the door. Some salesman offering me and my family access into Vault 111, quite fortuitous considering what happened just seconds after I signed my paperwork. Almost like it was scripted... Is this all some big conspiracy? Where's my tinfoil hat!

Looking back I'm pretty sure that salesman was going to kill me. Just look at him. So shifty, if my father ever taught me anything it was that you could never trust a ginger. And this one is extra shifty, just look at him trying to hide that hair under the hat. I'm watching you buddy!

And like I said, no sooner had I signed the paperwork than some idiot decided to let off a nuclear bomb. Of course they did, no idea why myself if it had been me I would have just left everyone to go on about their business. My wife grabbed Shaun and we ran to the vault. As you do when you sign your life away to the crazy people who own these giant holes in the ground.

Stay away from the light! Just look at us all standing in a line, queuing up like a bunch of lemmings. At least the vault was meant to be top of the line, but you know what? We all had to wear these stupid jumpsuits, no sense of fashion down in the vault and completely unflattering to my figure. I would have worn some skinny jeans back in my day... Now, I just don't know any more. I found my wife's green dress when I got out. I still wear it, it makes me feel close to her. At least I think it is hers, I don't really remember which house is which any more.

Then they locked us in these pods. They told us it was for decontamination but I didn't believe them. Unfortunately nothing seemed to happen in the world while I wandered around looking for a way out. But as soon as I stepped into that pod, boom! Now you may laugh at me and my conspiracy theories but I'm telling you there is something going on, someone is controlling my destiny and everything that happens to me! Keep laughing at the tinfoil hat, but I'll have the last laugh when the aliens come down and fry your brains!

While I was in the pod some bald guy came in and killed my wife. Shocking I know. There was nothing I could do, but I remember his face. I don't know who you are buddy, I don't know what you want. But I do have a particular set of skills and a slightly crazy robot gardener. We will find you, and we will kill you.

Oh Codsworth, you strange robot squid flying thing how I love you. My only link back to the real world, never leave me Coddy, never leave me... because I'll fiiiiiiiiiiiiind yooooooooooooooou.

Once I finally thawed out I came to realise that I was was the only survivor of the vault. Even the scientists had killed themselves, one of them even had a revolver! Seriously why didn't I get one of those, they weren't standard issue when I arrived. What about the Second Amendment and all that?!?! I blame Obama.

Apparently the whole pest control market went downhill while I was in the fridge because the roaches are huge now, and they just run around doing whatever they like. It's not like it's a hard job either, I mean I picked up an old security baton and beat the living daylights out of them on my way back to the surface.

Eventually I made it back to the surface, and nothing had really changed. Well except for the fact that there was no giant nuclear fireball, no people at the gates, no military grade security, no... No one else. So I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, everything had changed, and things were only about to get weirder...


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